EXCLUSIVE: First Look at the New Joker!

S&T has the exclusive first look at the hay-list movie star who will take the reins of playing the Joker (opposite Christian Bales of Hay) in the upcoming still-unbridled Batman spinoff. In a cuntroversial move, Julia Crotchburn -- who's female. And a horse. -- has agreed to play the role of the ultimate Batman villain -- who's traditionally male. And human. Here's the exclusive shot of her first day on the rural Kentucky set. The great old mare was well-received by her fellow castmates, who brushed her coat, gave her a sugar cube and covered her with a warm blanket when it was time for a nap in a sunlit corner of the barn.

WORLD EXCLUSIVE: Bigfoot Mystery Solved!

Mystery solved! Recent news reports led S&T to believe that Big Foot was alive and well in Miami. Our under-the-cover investigation unit reveals that the Yet-He was actually an Abominable Hogan -- the biggest Hogan of all, Brooke -- seen here, jogging back from a wax appointment, where it removed hair from its Sascrotch area in a complex procedure only performed in Miami.

BREAKING: Kim Kardassian Joins Prancing with the Stars

"I'm going to work my ass on the floor," says Kim Kardassian, a newly announced triscuit cuntestant on Prancing with the Stars. Let's cheer shim on to the finish line!

Web Workouts for Tranimals II

Continuing our cumitment to ensuring our readers are fit and healthy -- grade 'A' breeding stock -- we bring ewe our latest harvest of Web Workouts for Tranimals. This time, Heidi Manbags offers up a steaming pile of Assercise in her new video for "Overdouchin'," while Gay Aiken presents his assterpiece workout in Gay Achin': Sweatin' on the Oldies. Enjoy!

What's the Diff?

Can you spot the difference in our tranny clown circus?

Scroll down for the answer.




Answer: There's a Gloworm in the pic on the right.

A Transpirational Message

Tranity Kane star Aubrey O'Day went head to head with talk-show ho, st Offendy Williams to discuss the ins and outs of the tranimal lifestyle. They chatted about things only a tranimal would understand: the pain of accidentally sitting on your balls when wearing skorts, applying makeup with a painbrush and using Sharpies for eyeliner. Of the three bitches on the couch, only one looked like its hair was its natural color. Guess who? (Hint: It's the poodle.)

Fingering Our Inbox: Your She-mails

Our inbox is bursting with she-mails about the new development on America's Next Top Tranimal. It seems Tyra Franks has gone meta all over itself after allowing a tranimal contestant -- in its clear platform heels (Brooke Whoa-Man Collection, $8.69) and an extra crispy nylon tumbleweave (her own) -- to come trotting out of the fashion closet. This sheason will feature a contestant who identifies as "a woman born physically male."

We were chomping at the bit when the head tranimal itself wrote in, gushing with joy about this mound-breaking moment.

Deer Shebizkit,

My mound be swellin wit pride and is almost as big as my fourhead. No wot I'm sayin? Iz tinglin' all over wit more excitemint than the tyme i got vaseline on sail at C-Town. No wot I'm sayin? We finally found a cuntestant i can relait to. I can show him how to tuck his biznss between hiz thighs, how to turn his Adam's apple into a Eve apricot and to give rim jobs better than Miss Jay at a fome party in 1989. Or better than Janiss Dickinbum used to doo at Studey Ho 69. Iz da troof! No wot I'm sayin? Here's hopin you watch the new season of Top Tranimal and root for onee of yo own. No wot I'm sayin?

Rearguards,
Trya Franks

Hay! We Wish You'd Croak!

Go jump off a lilypad.

EXCLUSIVE: Deep Inside Lindsay & Sam's Honeypoon Suite

Using a high tech camera with a bending, double-headed lens, S&T has penetrated deep inside the love nest of gash grazers Lindsay "Vadge Freckles" Lohan and Samantha Ronsodomy, discovering an epic dyke fest of Lillith Fair proportions at the Shat Ho Marmount Hotel. In this snatcheteria, the bush bangers listen to Scissor Sisters and TaTu while playing connect the twats, not showering and watching Cream Girls and I Know Who Tribbed Me for hours on end.

So You Think You Can Prance?

Eat, drink and be marey!

Chestica Simpson: Cuntry Grammar

Cuntry star tranimal Chestica Simpson reveals the assy new cover for her upcuming album, Do You Know (no question mark). Do EWE fucking know what a question mark is, Chestica? Cuntry grammar bothers us more than a tranimal in tuna-stuffed diapers listening to 98 Degrees on repeat.

Let's finish the sentence for it: Do You Know

... why I'm sitting on this bench?
... when the bus is supposed to come?
... that my balls ache?
... that it taint comfortable sitting like this?
... that John Mayer's dick is bigger than mine?
... that Brooke Hogan's is bigger than his?
... that they make gum that tastes like a mojito?
... that tranimals have walked on the moon?
... that my dog Daisy drinks rum, wears hair extensions and tried to kill herself?
... Ashlee Simpson? She's my sister. She's sold more albums than me and she can get pregnant. I can't. I'm a tranimal.
... that I fed my Dad a fresh steaming plate of ass flapjacks this morning? He was covered syrup.
... how to get into Les Deux?
... why I'm doing this with my lips?
... why Tony Romo will only do anal?
... what it means to call someone Deion Sanders during sex?
... that these boots are made for sitting?
... the number for 911? My pubes are stuck on this bench.

Miley Psoriasis: Flaky and Frustrating

This year's Teen Poor Choice Award goes to Miley Psoriasis, that young Gelfling who just can't seem to keep her Hannah Montana covered. In honor of the toothed-one's stint as the terrible host of this year's Teen Poor Choice Awards, we here at Shebiscuits and Tranimals salute the creature and her new (s)hit single, "7 Things."

Presenting: 7 Things We Hate About Miley Psoriasis
1. Her paedo poppa and his Steve Cojucaro highlights
2. Her beast friend Mandy
3. Her tranimal blonde weave, cut from Chestica Simpson's pubes
4. The thickened patches of inflamed, red skin
5. Her teeth, which are only good for opening bottles and carrot-scraping the rod of whichever Homeless Jonas she's gobbling and filming on her iPhone
6. Did we mention that 87-year-old beast, Mandy?
7. Her ears. They're interfering with our wireless Internet.

Eighth thing we hate about you, sponsored by the Bonus Homeless Jonas Brother:
8. Her fucking flippers

Sheryl Crows Feet's New Masterpiece of Shit

Shebiscuit songbird Sheryl Crows Feet stars in a horse-touching new film called The American Wild Horse. In the flicka, Crows Feet (pictured front and right) plays an old mare named Grandmother Long Johns (friends call her Granny Panties for short)who hasn't lost her kick. Still playing the field, Granny Panties has frequent rolls in the hay but can't seem to find anyone who's "strong enough be her stallion." Other songs featured on the soundtrack include "All I Wanna Doo-Doo," "Soak Up the Cum" and new hit "Why the Long Face, the Reflection: You Dumped Me When I Had Cancer, You Asshole (You Only Have One Ball But You're Just a Dick to Me!)"
S&T's take: 2 Hooves Up!

Run, Don't Trot and See This Movie!

Dina Lohanging Balls' Exclusive Makeup Tips!

Ever wonder how Lindsay's shebiscuit mom gets her pasture-ready look? You're in luck: Lohanging Balls shared with us her special secret makeup tips! "There is a fine art to applying face make up correctly and in such a way that is not too noticeable. Make-up (both on the face, legs and backend) when applied correctly will enhance a beautiful face but can also disguise a moose nose or another defect. It can cover up white scars on legs and also enhance the backend (around the dock). It also just adds that proffesional touch. I learnt by trial and error and have noted as much as I can, but recently found some of these articles in Hoof & Horns magazines. Hope it helps"

Tila Whormiga

You bug us. Stop ruining our picnics.

Chestica Simpson: Cuntry Star

Ever since her little sister Asslee got knocked up, everyone's favorite tranimal, Chestica Simpson, knew it had to do something to get the spotlight back on itself. Ruining the Cowboys' chances at the Superbowl -- and its boyfriend Moany Homo's career -- wasn't enough. This tranimal needed to be on top. So Chestica asked its Daddy one day, "Mf wff ahf wff oof kareef." Then Chestica took Daddy's penis out of its mouth and asked, "What can I do to save my carear?" The answer? Become a cuntry star. (That's Daddy's tip -- in her mouth!) So Chestica went and recorded itself a cuntry album. The first single, "Cum All Over," is a hoedown single that's perfect for going down on a ho. (Listen to it here.) So break out your chaps and get ready to knock those boots that were made for walkin', cause Chestica wants you to "Cum All Over." Preferably, all over Chestica.

Sign Up for the Pony Express!

Hey whorses! Are you chomping at the bit for the latest Julia Crotchburn news? Do you get your panties in a twist -- the way Sticky Martin likes it -- when you hear all about John Revolta? Is Fergie's dick bigger than your fridge?

Well, now's your chance to get all the latest news on your favorite shebiscuits, tranimals, tranwrecks, triscuits and more! Just email us at the ranch at shebiscuit@gmail.com -- with the subject "Pony Express" -- and we'll be sure to notify you when we update. And lesbihonest, you want us to slip it in your (in)box, don't you, whorses?

So what are you waiting for, a personal invitation from Chestica Simpson? She can't read, so take the reins, email us and sign up today!

Want Miley Psoriasis News? We're All Ears!

It's no secret that our favorite tween tranimal -- the No. 1 twanimal in the country --- Miley Psoriasis comes from a moosical family. After all, her father, Billy Gay (on the right) recorded the hit single, "Flakey, Stanky Fart" when Miley was just a twinkle in the hairspray in Billy Gay's mullet. But now, she's a big fat star face, appearing on the hit series, Sucky Kentucky. On the show, she plays dual, buttered rolls as an everyday Gelfling that moonlights as a show pony. Here's an exclusive first look at Miley, her father, and Miley in character as Sucky (center) in the upcoming movie, Sucky Kentucky Live! The Dark Crystal Meth Tour.

Math, With Paula Abdrool

Here at Shebiscuits & Tranimals we believe that learning can be fun! So, we've asked Paula Abdrool, American Idol's resident tranwreck, to help us practice our math -- the fun way.

Hey Paula, if you fill all your prescriptions at 10 a.m., and get 40 Vicodin, 355 Xanax, 22 Valium, 80 Temazepam and 2 Nuprin (Little. Yellow. Different.), how many pills will you have when Idol airs at 8 p.m.? Show us with your fingers.

That's right! You'll have three pills at 8 p.m.

Extra Credit: Compare the number of pills Paula has left at 8 p.m. with the number of cocks Ryan Shecrest gobbled between 10 a.m. and 8 p.m., when Idol starts?

A. Pills > Cocks
B. Pills < Cocks
C. Pills = Cocks

The correct answer is B. Nothing > Shecrest's cock gobbling!