Dina Lohanging Balls' Exclusive Makeup Tips!

Ever wonder how Lindsay's shebiscuit mom gets her pasture-ready look? You're in luck: Lohanging Balls shared with us her special secret makeup tips! "There is a fine art to applying face make up correctly and in such a way that is not too noticeable. Make-up (both on the face, legs and backend) when applied correctly will enhance a beautiful face but can also disguise a moose nose or another defect. It can cover up white scars on legs and also enhance the backend (around the dock). It also just adds that proffesional touch. I learnt by trial and error and have noted as much as I can, but recently found some of these articles in Hoof & Horns magazines. Hope it helps"

Tila Whormiga

You bug us. Stop ruining our picnics.

Chestica Simpson: Cuntry Star

Ever since her little sister Asslee got knocked up, everyone's favorite tranimal, Chestica Simpson, knew it had to do something to get the spotlight back on itself. Ruining the Cowboys' chances at the Superbowl -- and its boyfriend Moany Homo's career -- wasn't enough. This tranimal needed to be on top. So Chestica asked its Daddy one day, "Mf wff ahf wff oof kareef." Then Chestica took Daddy's penis out of its mouth and asked, "What can I do to save my carear?" The answer? Become a cuntry star. (That's Daddy's tip -- in her mouth!) So Chestica went and recorded itself a cuntry album. The first single, "Cum All Over," is a hoedown single that's perfect for going down on a ho. (Listen to it here.) So break out your chaps and get ready to knock those boots that were made for walkin', cause Chestica wants you to "Cum All Over." Preferably, all over Chestica.