Dina Lohanging Balls' Exclusive Makeup Tips!

Ever wonder how Lindsay's shebiscuit mom gets her pasture-ready look? You're in luck: Lohanging Balls shared with us her special secret makeup tips! "There is a fine art to applying face make up correctly and in such a way that is not too noticeable. Make-up (both on the face, legs and backend) when applied correctly will enhance a beautiful face but can also disguise a moose nose or another defect. It can cover up white scars on legs and also enhance the backend (around the dock). It also just adds that proffesional touch. I learnt by trial and error and have noted as much as I can, but recently found some of these articles in Hoof & Horns magazines. Hope it helps"

Tila Whormiga

You bug us. Stop ruining our picnics.

Chestica Simpson: Cuntry Star

Ever since her little sister Asslee got knocked up, everyone's favorite tranimal, Chestica Simpson, knew it had to do something to get the spotlight back on itself. Ruining the Cowboys' chances at the Superbowl -- and its boyfriend Moany Homo's career -- wasn't enough. This tranimal needed to be on top. So Chestica asked its Daddy one day, "Mf wff ahf wff oof kareef." Then Chestica took Daddy's penis out of its mouth and asked, "What can I do to save my carear?" The answer? Become a cuntry star. (That's Daddy's tip -- in her mouth!) So Chestica went and recorded itself a cuntry album. The first single, "Cum All Over," is a hoedown single that's perfect for going down on a ho. (Listen to it here.) So break out your chaps and get ready to knock those boots that were made for walkin', cause Chestica wants you to "Cum All Over." Preferably, all over Chestica.

Sign Up for the Pony Express!

Hey whorses! Are you chomping at the bit for the latest Julia Crotchburn news? Do you get your panties in a twist -- the way Sticky Martin likes it -- when you hear all about John Revolta? Is Fergie's dick bigger than your fridge?

Well, now's your chance to get all the latest news on your favorite shebiscuits, tranimals, tranwrecks, triscuits and more! Just email us at the ranch at shebiscuit@gmail.com -- with the subject "Pony Express" -- and we'll be sure to notify you when we update. And lesbihonest, you want us to slip it in your (in)box, don't you, whorses?

So what are you waiting for, a personal invitation from Chestica Simpson? She can't read, so take the reins, email us and sign up today!

Want Miley Psoriasis News? We're All Ears!

It's no secret that our favorite tween tranimal -- the No. 1 twanimal in the country --- Miley Psoriasis comes from a moosical family. After all, her father, Billy Gay (on the right) recorded the hit single, "Flakey, Stanky Fart" when Miley was just a twinkle in the hairspray in Billy Gay's mullet. But now, she's a big fat star face, appearing on the hit series, Sucky Kentucky. On the show, she plays dual, buttered rolls as an everyday Gelfling that moonlights as a show pony. Here's an exclusive first look at Miley, her father, and Miley in character as Sucky (center) in the upcoming movie, Sucky Kentucky Live! The Dark Crystal Meth Tour.

Math, With Paula Abdrool

Here at Shebiscuits & Tranimals we believe that learning can be fun! So, we've asked Paula Abdrool, American Idol's resident tranwreck, to help us practice our math -- the fun way.

Hey Paula, if you fill all your prescriptions at 10 a.m., and get 40 Vicodin, 355 Xanax, 22 Valium, 80 Temazepam and 2 Nuprin (Little. Yellow. Different.), how many pills will you have when Idol airs at 8 p.m.? Show us with your fingers.

That's right! You'll have three pills at 8 p.m.

Extra Credit: Compare the number of pills Paula has left at 8 p.m. with the number of cocks Ryan Shecrest gobbled between 10 a.m. and 8 p.m., when Idol starts?

A. Pills > Cocks
B. Pills < Cocks
C. Pills = Cocks

The correct answer is B. Nothing > Shecrest's cock gobbling!

EXCLUSIVE: Jamie-Lynn Accepts Teen Poor Choice Award in Vegas

Watch Shamey-Lynn Shears's XXXclusive video interview. And tell us, what will JLS name her first child?

DEVELOPING: Shamey-Lynn Spears Wins Teen Pro Choice Award

Introducing: The Tranwreck!

Shamey-Lynn Spears has won Nickelodeon's first Teen Poor Choice award.

After revealing she is pregnant with the third Spears-Federline baby, the orange actress, who stars in the hit show Zoey 101(:Lbs. And Counting), received a special award for choosing to keep the baby she made with Federline.

Spears decided to keep the baby, quoting her super famous sister Britney Shears, and said, "I'm keeping it. We made another miracle, y'all."

Reportedly, Spears is smarter than a fifth grader but still got pregnant on a East-bound flight from L.A.'s LAX to New York's LGA, when her flight flew within 150miles of a West-bound flight that K-Fed was on.

Phone calls to Federline's sperm were not immediately returned.

LOLWilliamsburg

Hipsterz made us lol!!1!1111!

EXCLUSIVE: Ashley Clydesale's New Muzz Shot!

High School Moosical star Ashley Clydesdale has given S&T the exclusive photos of her difficult recovery from her recent rhinoplasty surgery which completely changed the petite ponytailed pony's muzzle. (At right; her before photo. At left; Clydesdale, bandaged after the traumatic treatment.) The operation, performed by Dr. Hornie, the best rhinoceros surgeon at Disney, was successful. Next up for the well-hoofed filly? She's back in the saddle, with new episodes of her hit show, The Stable Life of Sack and Grody.