Chestica Simpson: Cuntry Star

Ever since her little sister Asslee got knocked up, everyone's favorite tranimal, Chestica Simpson, knew it had to do something to get the spotlight back on itself. Ruining the Cowboys' chances at the Superbowl -- and its boyfriend Moany Homo's career -- wasn't enough. This tranimal needed to be on top. So Chestica asked its Daddy one day, "Mf wff ahf wff oof kareef." Then Chestica took Daddy's penis out of its mouth and asked, "What can I do to save my carear?" The answer? Become a cuntry star. (That's Daddy's tip -- in her mouth!) So Chestica went and recorded itself a cuntry album. The first single, "Cum All Over," is a hoedown single that's perfect for going down on a ho. (Listen to it here.) So break out your chaps and get ready to knock those boots that were made for walkin', cause Chestica wants you to "Cum All Over." Preferably, all over Chestica.

Happy Birthday Chestica!

Our favorite son of a preacher tran, Chestica Simpson, just celebrated another birthday. "I don't look a day over 27," yelled Chestica, here pictured after it blew out the candle in its rack. (Not pictured: The candle between its legs.) Chestica actually turned 46, but its tits - a birthday gift from dad! - turned 3 years old just a few days ago. (Aww!)
Here are Chestica's tips for looking as young as it does:
1. Spend at least six hours a day in a tanning bed giving head. Four hours of direct sunlight and a rim job is also acceptable.
2. Stay a virgin in just one hole. (That hole is off-limits until marriage.) Unsure of which hole to pick? Ask daddy! (That's Chestica's tip!)
3. Speaking of tips, only let the tip into the other holes.
4. For a healthy diet, wash down your Chicken of the Sea with a lot of coke.
5. You'll get a shiny mane and a glossy coat if you drink a singer/songwriter protein shake every day. (Chestica loves the John Mayer flavor!)

Tranimal Hunt!

Test your powers of tranimal detection with S&T's fun new game! To play, simply spot the tranimal out of a lineup of lookalikes.

Can you tell which of these inflated sex toys is the real Chestica Simpson? Leave your guesses in the comment section.

Ever Get That "Not-So-Fresh" Feeling?

File Under Tranimals...

Jessica Simpson does! That's 'cause it pees on itself quite often. So it uses Tranmpers, the only adult diaper made specially, with a tranimal's needs in mind. So Jessica can wear its bad fashion choices with a smile, knowing that, at any moment, it could urinate out of either hole.