Shebiscuits & Tranimals

EXCLUSIVE: First Look at the New Joker!

2008-08-27T00:33:00.000-05:00

S&T has the exclusive first look at the hay-list movie star who will take the reins of playing the Joker (opposite Christian Bales of Hay) in the upcoming still-unbridled Batman spinoff. In a cuntroversial move, Julia Crotchburn -- who's female. And a horse. -- has agreed to play the role of the ultimate Batman villain -- who's traditionally male. And human. Here's the exclusive shot of her first day on the rural Kentucky set. The great old mare was well-received by her fellow castmates, who brushed her coat, gave her a sugar cube and covered her with a warm blanket when it was time for a nap in a sunlit corner of the barn.

WORLD EXCLUSIVE: Bigfoot Mystery Solved!

2008-08-26T22:24:00.003-05:00

Mystery solved! Recent news reports led S&T to believe that Big Foot was alive and well in Miami. Our under-the-cover investigation unit reveals that the Yet-He was actually an Abominable Hogan -- the biggest Hogan of all, Brooke -- seen here, jogging back from a wax appointment, where it removed hair from its Sascrotch area in a complex procedure only performed in Miami.

BREAKING: Kim Kardassian Joins Prancing with the Stars

2008-08-26T19:33:00.004-05:00

"I'm going to work my ass on the floor," says Kim Kardassian, a newly announced triscuit cuntestant on Prancing with the Stars. Let's cheer shim on to the finish line!

Web Workouts for Tranimals II

2008-08-26T18:51:00.006-05:00

Continuing our cumitment to ensuring our readers are fit and healthy -- grade 'A' breeding stock -- we bring ewe our latest harvest of Web Workouts for Tranimals. This time, Heidi Manbags offers up a steaming pile of Assercise in her new video for "Overdouchin'," while Gay Aiken presents his assterpiece workout in Gay Achin': Sweatin' on the Oldies. Enjoy!

What's the Diff?

2008-08-26T18:39:00.007-05:00

Can you spot the difference in our tranny clown circus?

Scroll down for the answer.

Answer: There's a Gloworm in the pic on the right.

A Transpirational Message

2008-08-13T21:23:00.002-05:00

Tranity Kane star Aubrey O'Day went head to head with talk-show ho, st Offendy Williams to discuss the ins and outs of the tranimal lifestyle. They chatted about things only a tranimal would understand: the pain of accidentally sitting on your balls when wearing skorts, applying makeup with a painbrush and using Sharpies for eyeliner. Of the three bitches on the couch, only one looked like its hair was its natural color. Guess who? (Hint: It's the poodle.)

Fingering Our Inbox: Your She-mails

2008-08-13T19:58:00.008-05:00

Our inbox is bursting with she-mails about the new development on America's Next Top Tranimal. It seems Tyra Franks has gone meta all over itself after allowing a tranimal contestant -- in its clear platform heels (Brooke Whoa-Man Collection, $8.69) and an extra crispy nylon tumbleweave (her own) -- to come trotting out of the fashion closet. This sheason will feature a contestant who identifies as "a woman born physically male."

We were chomping at the bit when the head tranimal itself wrote in, gushing with joy about this mound-breaking moment.

Deer Shebizkit,

My mound be swellin wit pride and is almost as big as my fourhead. No wot I'm sayin? Iz tinglin' all over wit more excitemint than the tyme i got vaseline on sail at C-Town. No wot I'm sayin? We finally found a cuntestant i can relait to. I can show him how to tuck his biznss between hiz thighs, how to turn his Adam's apple into a Eve apricot and to give rim jobs better than Miss Jay at a fome party in 1989. Or better than Janiss Dickinbum used to doo at Studey Ho 69. Iz da troof! No wot I'm sayin? Here's hopin you watch the new season of Top Tranimal and root for onee of yo own. No wot I'm sayin?

Rearguards,
Trya Franks

Hay! We Wish You'd Croak!

2008-08-13T19:47:00.002-05:00

Go jump off a lilypad.

EXCLUSIVE: Deep Inside Lindsay & Sam's Honeypoon Suite

2008-08-13T18:43:00.006-05:00

Using a high tech camera with a bending, double-headed lens, S&T has penetrated deep inside the love nest of gash grazers Lindsay "Vadge Freckles" Lohan and Samantha Ronsodomy, discovering an epic dyke fest of Lillith Fair proportions at the Shat Ho Marmount Hotel. In this snatcheteria, the bush bangers listen to Scissor Sisters and TaTu while playing connect the twats, not showering and watching Cream Girls and I Know Who Tribbed Me for hours on end.

So You Think You Can Prance?

2008-08-04T20:57:00.005-05:00

Eat, drink and be marey!

Chestica Simpson: Cuntry Grammar

2008-08-04T19:39:00.007-05:00

Cuntry star tranimal Chestica Simpson reveals the assy new cover for her upcuming album, Do You Know (no question mark). Do EWE fucking know what a question mark is, Chestica? Cuntry grammar bothers us more than a tranimal in tuna-stuffed diapers listening to 98 Degrees on repeat.

Let's finish the sentence for it: Do You Know

... why I'm sitting on this bench?
... when the bus is supposed to come?
... that my balls ache?
... that it taint comfortable sitting like this?
... that John Mayer's dick is bigger than mine?
... that Brooke Hogan's is bigger than his?
... that they make gum that tastes like a mojito?
... that tranimals have walked on the moon?
... that my dog Daisy drinks rum, wears hair extensions and tried to kill herself?
... Ashlee Simpson? She's my sister. She's sold more albums than me and she can get pregnant. I can't. I'm a tranimal.
... that I fed my Dad a fresh steaming plate of ass flapjacks this morning? He was covered syrup.
... how to get into Les Deux?
... why I'm doing this with my lips?
... why Tony Romo will only do anal?
... what it means to call someone Deion Sanders during sex?
... that these boots are made for sitting?
... the number for 911? My pubes are stuck on this bench.

Miley Psoriasis: Flaky and Frustrating

2008-08-04T19:19:00.008-05:00

This year's Teen Poor Choice Award goes to Miley Psoriasis, that young Gelfling who just can't seem to keep her Hannah Montana covered. In honor of the toothed-one's stint as the terrible host of this year's Teen Poor Choice Awards, we here at Shebiscuits and Tranimals salute the creature and her new (s)hit single, "7 Things."

Presenting: 7 Things We Hate About Miley Psoriasis
1. Her paedo poppa and his Steve Cojucaro highlights
2. Her beast friend Mandy
3. Her tranimal blonde weave, cut from Chestica Simpson's pubes
4. The thickened patches of inflamed, red skin
5. Her teeth, which are only good for opening bottles and carrot-scraping the rod of whichever Homeless Jonas she's gobbling and filming on her iPhone
6. Did we mention that 87-year-old beast, Mandy?
7. Her ears. They're interfering with our wireless Internet.

Eighth thing we hate about you, sponsored by the Bonus Homeless Jonas Brother:
8. Her fucking flippers

Sheryl Crows Feet's New Masterpiece of Shit

2008-08-04T18:44:00.006-05:00

Shebiscuit songbird Sheryl Crows Feet stars in a horse-touching new film called The American Wild Horse. In the flicka, Crows Feet (pictured front and right) plays an old mare named Grandmother Long Johns (friends call her Granny Panties for short)who hasn't lost her kick. Still playing the field, Granny Panties has frequent rolls in the hay but can't seem to find anyone who's "strong enough be her stallion." Other songs featured on the soundtrack include "All I Wanna Doo-Doo," "Soak Up the Cum" and new hit "Why the Long Face, the Reflection: You Dumped Me When I Had Cancer, You Asshole (You Only Have One Ball But You're Just a Dick to Me!)"
S&T's take: 2 Hooves Up!

Run, Don't Trot and See This Movie!

2008-07-09T21:21:00.003-05:00

Dina Lohanging Balls' Exclusive Makeup Tips!

2008-05-28T21:05:00.007-05:00

Ever wonder how Lindsay's shebiscuit mom gets her pasture-ready look? You're in luck: Lohanging Balls shared with us her special secret makeup tips! "There is a fine art to applying face make up correctly and in such a way that is not too noticeable. Make-up (both on the face, legs and backend) when applied correctly will enhance a beautiful face but can also disguise a moose nose or another defect. It can cover up white scars on legs and also enhance the backend (around the dock). It also just adds that proffesional touch. I learnt by trial and error and have noted as much as I can, but recently found some of these articles in Hoof & Horns magazines. Hope it helps"

Tila Whormiga

2008-05-28T19:53:00.003-05:00

You bug us. Stop ruining our picnics.

Chestica Simpson: Cuntry Star

2008-05-28T18:39:00.005-05:00

Ever since her little sister Asslee got knocked up, everyone's favorite tranimal, Chestica Simpson, knew it had to do something to get the spotlight back on itself. Ruining the Cowboys' chances at the Superbowl -- and its boyfriend Moany Homo's career -- wasn't enough. This tranimal needed to be on top. So Chestica asked its Daddy one day, "Mf wff ahf wff oof kareef." Then Chestica took Daddy's penis out of its mouth and asked, "What can I do to save my carear?" The answer? Become a cuntry star. (That's Daddy's tip -- in her mouth!) So Chestica went and recorded itself a cuntry album. The first single, "Cum All Over," is a hoedown single that's perfect for going down on a ho. (Listen to it here.) So break out your chaps and get ready to knock those boots that were made for walkin', cause Chestica wants you to "Cum All Over." Preferably, all over Chestica.

Sign Up for the Pony Express!

2008-03-13T21:13:00.006-05:00

Hey whorses! Are you chomping at the bit for the latest Julia Crotchburn news? Do you get your panties in a twist -- the way Sticky Martin likes it -- when you hear all about John Revolta? Is Fergie's dick bigger than your fridge?

Well, now's your chance to get all the latest news on your favorite shebiscuits, tranimals, tranwrecks, triscuits and more! Just email us at the ranch at shebiscuit@gmail.com -- with the subject "Pony Express" -- and we'll be sure to notify you when we update. And lesbihonest, you want us to slip it in your (in)box, don't you, whorses?

So what are you waiting for, a personal invitation from Chestica Simpson? She can't read, so take the reins, email us and sign up today!

Want Miley Psoriasis News? We're All Ears!

2008-03-13T20:58:00.009-05:00

It's no secret that our favorite tween tranimal -- the No. 1 twanimal in the country --- Miley Psoriasis comes from a moosical family. After all, her father, Billy Gay (on the right) recorded the hit single, "Flakey, Stanky Fart" when Miley was just a twinkle in the hairspray in Billy Gay's mullet. But now, she's a big fat star face, appearing on the hit series, Sucky Kentucky. On the show, she plays dual, buttered rolls as an everyday Gelfling that moonlights as a show pony. Here's an exclusive first look at Miley, her father, and Miley in character as Sucky (center) in the upcoming movie, Sucky Kentucky Live! The Dark Crystal Meth Tour.

Math, With Paula Abdrool

2008-03-13T20:02:00.006-05:00

Here at Shebiscuits & Tranimals we believe that learning can be fun! So, we've asked Paula Abdrool, American Idol's resident tranwreck, to help us practice our math -- the fun way.

Hey Paula, if you fill all your prescriptions at 10 a.m., and get 40 Vicodin, 355 Xanax, 22 Valium, 80 Temazepam and 2 Nuprin (Little. Yellow. Different.), how many pills will you have when Idol airs at 8 p.m.? Show us with your fingers.

That's right! You'll have three pills at 8 p.m.

Extra Credit: Compare the number of pills Paula has left at 8 p.m. with the number of cocks Ryan Shecrest gobbled between 10 a.m. and 8 p.m., when Idol starts?

A. Pills > Cocks
B. Pills < Cocks
C. Pills = Cocks

The correct answer is B. Nothing > Shecrest's cock gobbling!

EXCLUSIVE: Jamie-Lynn Accepts Teen Poor Choice Award in Vegas

2007-12-18T23:18:00.000-05:00

Watch Shamey-Lynn Shears's XXXclusive video interview. And tell us, what will JLS name her first child?

DEVELOPING: Shamey-Lynn Spears Wins Teen Pro Choice Award

2007-12-18T22:12:00.000-05:00

Introducing: The Tranwreck!

Shamey-Lynn Spears has won Nickelodeon's first Teen Poor Choice award.

After revealing she is pregnant with the third Spears-Federline baby, the orange actress, who stars in the hit show Zoey 101(:Lbs. And Counting), received a special award for choosing to keep the baby she made with Federline.

Spears decided to keep the baby, quoting her super famous sister Britney Shears, and said, "I'm keeping it. We made another miracle, y'all."

Reportedly, Spears is smarter than a fifth grader but still got pregnant on a East-bound flight from L.A.'s LAX to New York's LGA, when her flight flew within 150miles of a West-bound flight that K-Fed was on.

Phone calls to Federline's sperm were not immediately returned.

LOLWilliamsburg

2007-12-18T22:06:00.000-05:00

Hipsterz made us lol!!1!1111!

EXCLUSIVE: Ashley Clydesale's New Muzz Shot!

2007-12-18T21:49:00.000-05:00

High School Moosical star Ashley Clydesdale has given S&T the exclusive photos of her difficult recovery from her recent rhinoplasty surgery which completely changed the petite ponytailed pony's muzzle. (At right; her before photo. At left; Clydesdale, bandaged after the traumatic treatment.) The operation, performed by Dr. Hornie, the best rhinoceros surgeon at Disney, was successful. Next up for the well-hoofed filly? She's back in the saddle, with new episodes of her hit show, The Stable Life of Sack and Grody.

What's the Diff?

2007-11-05T22:27:00.002-05:00

Can you spot the difference in our carrot ginger soup?

Scroll down for the answer.

Answer: There's bacon in the pic on the right.

We Bet the Car's a Mustang!

2007-11-05T22:20:00.000-05:00

Meet Patches. He's our intern!

Feline Dion: C'est Meow!

2007-11-05T21:02:00.000-05:00

This pussy has come a very long way, indeed. Born ze runt of a poor litter of 14 in Quebec, there was nothing to eat but her ferral mother's teat. There was no box to shit in so le chat shat in the street! Fancy Feast was only dream. Feline was a scavenger, dining on ze rotten ratatouille, found in ze back allees of Quebec. Today, she is on top of le monde, un grande etoile! Feline travels with a litter boxof gold and dines on ze Fancy Feast (avec gravy!) served in a goblette du crystal! But she has not forgot her roots, this humble pussy travels with her beloved sister Cuddles and they reside in the finest cathouse francs can buy.

Clothes Horse

2007-11-05T19:47:00.000-05:00

Sarah Messica Parker traded her favorite wool blanker for pricey bridle gown as she galloped through the streets of New York City. She surprised onlookers who were used to seeing her pull carriages through Central Park, and not roaming free unharnessed. So why did she have free rein? The old mare was filming a scene for her new movie, Sex and the City: Put Out to Pasture, and in this scene, she's rushing to go see a man about a horse.

Introducing ... LOLPON1ES!

2007-11-05T19:36:00.000-05:00

What's the Diff?

2007-08-21T20:55:00.001-05:00

Tell us what's different in these two seemingly identical monkey photos!

(Scroll down for the answer)

Answer: There's a cupcake in the picture on the right.

BREAKING: Sack Efron Signs New TV Deal!

2007-08-21T19:53:00.000-05:00

Hot on the high heels of High School Moosical 2, Sack Efron is ready to turn a new trick. The 19-year-old teen queen is already training for her new role as the fifth Teletubbie. Sack, who starred with Ashley Clydesdale in the hit Disney franchise, has her panties in a balloon knot over her new role as the orange Teletubbie, Dainty Tainty, in the hit kids' show. Said the other Teletubbies (Twinkie, Tipsy, Laa-Laa and Mo), "Teeeee Weeeeee Heeeeee Hawwww Laaaaady Dooooodie."

Tranimal Hunt II!

2007-08-21T19:23:00.000-05:00

Test your powers of observation with our second installment of your favorite game, Tranimal Hunt! (See the first one here.) It's easy: Just spot the tranimal in this photo full of linebackers, and tell us (in the comment section), who you see. Good luck! (Here's a hint: It's the one with the dirty punt.)

Tom Cruise Is So Hot Right Now

2007-07-31T21:48:00.000-05:00

Blowing off steam while filming Valkyrie in Berlin, Tom Cruise hit a nearby karaoke bar and wowed the locals with his renditions of some traditional hits. Highway to the danger zone, indeed!

Introducing ... Camilla Parker Trolls

2007-07-31T21:33:00.000-05:00

Is it an old woman? Is it a horse? Is it the future queen of England? You be the judge. (Hint: We're betting on horse.)

Amy Winehorse: 'They Tried to Make Me Go to Rehab'

2007-07-31T20:09:00.000-05:00

"... and I said, 'Neigh, neigh, neigh!'"

EXCLUSIVE: Nicole Twitchy's SONOGRAM!

2007-07-31T19:45:00.000-05:00

Nicole Twitchy has admitted she's pregnant and S&T brings you the exclusive first look at the star's unborn child, which she's having with Troll Madden. The she-horse released her first sonogram exlusively to S&T, saying, "I live in a fishbowl but I'm still so happy to share this experience with the world." It's already a rocky gestation for the troubled prawn star, who, at four months, is long overdue to give birth when most she-horse pregnancies last only two to three weeks. And she's definitely showing! These days, the suddenly huge-normous starfish is tipping the scales at 35 lbs., according to a report we stole from a pet store in Malibu.

Throw Your Hooves in the Air ...

2007-07-10T21:21:00.000-05:00

... like you just don't care!!! Sarah Messica Parker reared up and partied down at a recent concert for Farm Aid.

Web Workouts for Tranimals

2007-07-10T20:31:00.000-05:00

Her vagine is huge.

Her face is offensive.

WTF?

Happy Birthday Chestica!

2007-07-10T19:55:00.000-05:00

Our favorite son of a preacher tran, Chestica Simpson, just celebrated another birthday. "I don't look a day over 27," yelled Chestica, here pictured after it blew out the candle in its rack. (Not pictured: The candle between its legs.) Chestica actually turned 46, but its tits - a birthday gift from dad! - turned 3 years old just a few days ago. (Aww!)
Here are Chestica's tips for looking as young as it does:
1. Spend at least six hours a day in a tanning bed giving head. Four hours of direct sunlight and a rim job is also acceptable.
2. Stay a virgin in just one hole. (That hole is off-limits until marriage.) Unsure of which hole to pick? Ask daddy! (That's Chestica's tip!)
3. Speaking of tips, only let the tip into the other holes.
4. For a healthy diet, wash down your Chicken of the Sea with a lot of coke.
5. You'll get a shiny mane and a glossy coat if you drink a singer/songwriter protein shake every day. (Chestica loves the John Mayer flavor!)

Sneak Peek at Hilary's New Movie!

2007-07-10T18:16:00.000-05:00

S&T brings you the exclusive first pic from Hilary Shank's new flicka, Iron Jawed Angels 2: A Pony Tail. In this Freaky Friday update, Shanks plays dual roles as Alison, a young career woman fed up with the horse race, who leaves the city for greener pastures. And she also plays Sugar Foot, a beautiful young mare she meets along the way who is longing for a taste city livin'. Ewe guessed it! They decide to switch places and filliness ensues. A source close to the set tells S&T that this is Shanks' finest work yet. "She is incredible," the insider says. "She could win a another Oscar." And if she does land in the winner's circle in March, it will be a trifecta for the actress who also won for Foals Don't Cry and Million Dollar Gelding.

Sneak Peek: Julia Crotchburn's Baby Pictures!

2007-06-25T20:33:00.000-05:00

After 11 months, Julia Crotchburn birthed a healthy 75-pound colt. Look! He's walking already. Aww.

Happy Birthday Oldsens!

2007-06-25T19:17:00.000-05:00

The Oldsen Twins are old. They recently celebrated yet another birthday in their signature highfalutin style. The event took place at the Old Country Buffet and started promptly at 4p.m. The scene was "Early Bird Special" and lucky guests like Meetchya Fartin', Betty White, Richard Dreyfus, Elizabeth Taylor and Barbara Bush noshed on Salisbury steak sliders, mini-chicken and dumplings and a ceviche puree. They washed it down with Metamuciltinis, gin and (apple) juice and Sankaritas. On the tables -- decorated with real nice pink crocheted table cloths, which were protected by thick plastic sheets -- were real nice crystal bowls filled with hard candies, provided by Worther's Original. Guests danced the night away to the the latest hits from Frank Sinatra, Etta James and JoJo. Youngsters raised a ruckus when Tara Reid electric (wheelchair) slid off the dance floor and bumped into Dina Slowhan, who fell and broke her hip and had to make an early exit. But most guests partied until the late hour of 7:30 p.m., when there was a sudden mass shuffle towards the exit ramps (Touched By an Angel starts at 8p.m.!). On their way out, guests clamored for the goodybag, a soft, washable -- and adjustable! -- fannypack, filled to its exandable zippers with real nice party favors. Inlcuded in that special bag were Epsom salts, toenail clippers and shower caps. Every guest also got LifeAlert. There was one blind item from the evening but partygoers wearing their bifocals and not just letting them hang around their necks, clearly saw one starlet snorting lines of Centrum Silver off a hand mirror.

Hay! You're Fowl

2007-06-25T19:06:00.000-05:00

Go pluck yourself.

The Twitchy and Snatchy Show!

2007-05-30T21:46:00.000-05:00

Nicole Twitchy put on a fresh layer of skin to meet her lookalike cousin, Ana Reshkya. Later, the two shehorses noshed on microshrimp, amoebas and algae during an intimate lunch at the Ivy. After that, they were later spotted treading water at the Coral Room, sipping plankton cocktails and dancing to Phish.

From the Vault: Vintage Scruff

2007-05-30T19:08:00.000-05:00

Back in 2003, Hilary Scruff, then a wee foal, decided to take her yearling sister, Hayleaf, to her first-ever red carpet event. As loyal as Black Beauty herself, Hilary watched over her awkward sis -- even brushing some oats off her snout (that's when this nifty pic was taken). But sadly, Hayleaf was not broken in yet. Startled by the flashing cameramen -- jockeying for the best shot of the starting line -- she reared up and knocked over a table. Poor lil' shebiscuit, she wasn't let past the velvet reins. But as we all know, Hayleaf soon received the finest training a young mare could want. And soon enough, she joined her sis in the winner's circle. Aww!

Tranimal Hunt!

2007-05-30T18:55:00.000-05:00

Test your powers of tranimal detection with S&T's fun new game! To play, simply spot the tranimal out of a lineup of lookalikes.

Can you tell which of these inflated sex toys is the real Chestica Simpson? Leave your guesses in the comment section.

EXCLUSIVE: Seal & Heidi Klum's Sex Tape!!!

2007-05-09T21:15:00.000-05:00

The Mane Attraction

2007-05-09T20:38:00.000-05:00

We went on a fox hunt to find America's most gorgeous mane. We discovered up-and-jumper Ashley Clydesdale and asked how she keeps her horse hair so silky, shiny and full of bounce. Here are five mane rules for getting Ashley's hair:

1. Always wash after a vigorous trot.
2. Diet matters! On the set of High School Moo-sical, Ashley only snacked on carrots, whole grains (oats and hay) and cut up pieces of apple.
3. Brush your mane daily. Either do it yourself or ask your handler to groom you at least once a day.
4. Calcium will add shine. Try pony milk in the morning!
5. Sleep standing up. (That's Ashley's tip!)

We Told Julia Crotchburn a Joke

2007-05-09T20:24:00.000-05:00

She liked it.

Brooke Back Mounting

2007-05-09T20:06:00.000-05:00

File under shebiscuits...
File under tranimal...
Here at S&T, we love getting shemail. Today, our maleman Julia delivered a very special letter. See it below!

Deer Shebizkits and Tramnimals,

I am a big big big tramninal. I mean big. Like my mound could hav a pitcher on it. Aktually, right now there be a man on my mound throwing balls. No wot I'm sayin? Anyways I m a talk show ho, st. A big one. An like, I also ho, st a treality show. No wot I'm sayin? Usuallly I be the gurl givin out advise -- on everything from tumbleweaves to tranorexia and baby prostitots. I set them gurls right -- aiight? Butt diss time Imma needin sum help. My (big black) tranimal ass be is love wit a shebizkit!! Dats right, I be drankin dat pony milk, no wot i'm sayin? Imma put my snausage gravy on dem bizkits. Mmmm... fluffy. No wot I'm sayin? Now I gots to no: What happens when a tranimal and a shebizkit go for a ride, no wot I'm sayin?

Rearguards,
Tyra Franks

Well, Ms. Franks, we don't recommend that you saddle up and ride that pony without protection. Do you know what we're saying? When a shebiscuit and a tranimal mate, they can get pregnant and hatch a triscuit. Half tranimal, half shebiscuit... and all freaky. Some might say that our point of view is horse race-ist, but we had to take a stand. Only trashy tranimals like Brooke Whoa-man get involved in shebiscuit love. And she's unstable. Look at her here, jockeying for attention.

Thanks for riding in!
S&T

Prancing with the Stars

2007-04-25T20:23:00.001-05:00

Leather Heather Horse Mills was the glue that held the popular show together. The lame mare, who suffered from leglessness, was voted off this week, but was given a choice: either be put down or put out to pasture. America voted and she was sent back to England.

Hay, We Hate Ewe!

2007-04-25T20:10:00.000-05:00

We hate ewe. Even though you taste great with mint jelly.

Ever Get That "Not-So-Fresh" Feeling?

2007-04-25T19:57:00.000-05:00

File Under Tranimals...

Jessica Simpson does! That's 'cause it pees on itself quite often. So it uses Tranmpers, the only adult diaper made specially, with a tranimal's needs in mind. So Jessica can wear its bad fashion choices with a smile, knowing that, at any moment, it could urinate out of either hole.

The Pony Express

2007-04-25T18:10:00.000-05:00

File Under Shebiscuits...

Julia Crotchburn is a crystal method actress and always prepares for her roles (in the hay) very seriously. Here she's seen getting into character as the first brave horse to carry mail from the Missouri River to the Pacific coast. The film is called The Pony Express: The Story of Prairie Thunder Thighs and and it's the feel-good hit of the yearling. Shooting starts next week.

Who Wore It Best?

2007-04-16T19:34:00.000-05:00

File Under Shebiscuits...

The plaid shawl is one of the season's hottest looks. But while Sarah Messica Parker adds a ton of accessories, Buster the Wonder Horse opts for a simple, chic look. But who wore it best? S&T asked 100 people at Flicka's Funtime Ranch:

Buster the Wonder Horse: 73%
Sarah Messica Parker: 27%

Aw, SJP, why the long face? You'll get 'em next time! Meanwhile, here's some oats and honey to make you feel better.

BREAKING: Tori Spelling Has Long-Lost Twin

2007-04-16T18:49:00.000-05:00

File Under Shebiscuits...
You know all about the reconcilliation with her mother. You've got the 411 on the recent birth of her son Liam Aaron with husband Dean McDermott. You may have even seen her reality show Tori & Dean: Inn Love. But at S&T, we're all about bringing you the news and stories you haven't heard about your favorite shebiscuits and tranimals. That's why we're giving you this exclusive first look at a secret photo shoot between Tori Spelling and her long-lost twin sister Tara. What a deer Tori is -- she even lent her sister her best yellow dress and purple shoes for the shoot! "The moment I saw that long face and droopy eyes," Tori told S&T in between munches of hay at the photo shoot, "I just knew we were sisters." The similarities don't end there: The reunited siblings both sleep while standing, enjoy a good brushing, just love galloping on the beach -- and they even have the same silky mane cut!

Isn't It Ironic?

2007-04-03T20:52:00.000-05:00

A shebiscuit covers a tranimal hit. A little too ironic, dontcha think?

America's Next Top Manimal???

2007-03-30T21:59:00.000-05:00

File Under Tranimal...

File Under Manimal...

On this week's episode of America's Next Top Tranimal, Tyra Franks made her beastly tranimal cuntestants dress like dudes. And posing with them were chicks with dix. Tranimals became manimals and manimals became tranimals.

It was so meta that S&T ultra-masterrrbated and went to Misshapes for an asymetrical bang rally, where they were celebrating white belts and inappropriate boots.

Hits from the bong!!!

The Sliding Gl-ass Closet Door

2007-03-30T20:51:00.000-05:00

Sticky Martin isn't out of the closet, but he installed a spanking new see-through door on it.

"Life is too short to live closed up, guarding what you say," Sticky (right: in a platano hammock) told the Associated Press on Friday. He spoke in support Christian Chavez (of the Mexican band RBD), who recently revealed that he was gay.

"If this is a fashion, then I hope a lot more fashions like this come," he said, adding "in my mouth."

From the Vault...

2007-03-30T19:49:00.000-05:00

This one goes out to all the tranimals out there feeling alone on the range on Friday night. S&T loves you, colt.

BREAKING: World's First Pregnant Tranimal?

2007-03-30T19:00:00.000-05:00

File Under Tranimal...

Aubrey Day, a member of musical group Tranity Kane, shocked the medical community when rumors surfaced that he was pregnant. The purported father? None other than Sean "P. Did He?" Combs, the man who discovered Day on the popular reality series Making the Man 3.

Reecent weight gain fueled speculation. Day has recently ballooned to 167 lbs., a dramatic change from the size the singer was before "Did He?" diddled her. Then, she was 105 lbs. (Before hair and makeup: 61 lbs.)

A Whorse Race

2007-03-30T18:34:00.000-05:00

File Under Shebiscuit...
(Not pictured to the right: carrots.)

Freedom Rider Hilary Swank beats Mona Lisa's Verticle Smile by a hoof in a photo finish!

Tranimal on Tranimal Action

2007-03-29T08:11:00.000-05:00

File Under Tranimal...

Do you need to get caught up on one of our favorite tranimalistic television programs, I Love New York? We've found a tranimalese expert that will fill you in:

Yes; it's still talking.

From The Malebox: "Sangyna's Marey Moment"

2007-03-28T18:58:00.000-05:00

File Under Lesbihonest...

File Under Shebiscuit...

Here at our headquarters, or as we like to call it, "The Ranch," we get a lot of sh-emails about American Idol -- and they're not all about Ryan Shecrest or, "When will Paula's balls fall out of her skirt?"

Last night's episode almost crashed our inbox! Why? Because Sangyna Malakar had a true shebiscuit moment. Here's a note from reader Patrick Palmer from Flushing, N.Y.:

"I've always loved the way she had naughty librarian hair one week and come-fuck-me curls the next. But this is the first time I wanted to take her mane between my thighs, and gallop off into the sunset!"

Another reader was so inspired by "Sangyna's marey moment," she wanted to "stick my fingers in her hairy haystack." But security at the studio was tighter than Shecrest's purple puckered mangina. (Just kidding... It's the loosest!) So S&T reader Ximena Garrett of Youngstown, Ohio, knitted her own pocket-sized popstar to put her pointer into. Hope she filed her nails!

Keep 'em coming, whorses, at shebiscuit@gmail.com.

Happy Birthday Fergie!

2007-03-28T18:17:00.000-05:00

File Under Tranimal...

Yesterday was our favorite tranimal's birthday. We're sorry we missed it, but we can make it up to her Royal Meth-majesty. The singer says it's 32 years old... but in tranimal years, let's see... that makes 83!

But what shall we get shim to celebrate the day it hatched? A trance CD? A transistor radio? Or how about a tranquil day at the groomer, um, spa where it can transcend the hectic schedule of being a famous she-male. Maybe we should get shim something more practical -- like a new transmission for its Trans Am! Nahh... let's give ourselves a present and send the beast on a transcultural trip! We'll even throw in this guidebook, which will help it to translate and conduct transactions with the locals on her transcontinental journey. Have a trantastic trip!

Whoa, SJP!

2007-03-26T18:06:00.000-05:00

File Under Shebiscuit...

We've heard of a horseless carriage, but have you ever seen a carriageless horse? Well, here's Sarah Jessica Parker, chomping at the bit to gallop across a New York City street. The silly filly whipped her mane around as she reached into her saddlebag for a sugar cube. But what's in her shopping bag? Probably something from her bridle registry.

Fergie's Beauty Secrets!

2007-03-23T20:56:00.000-05:00

File Under Tranimal...

Fergie is so hot! Her lips rule. They are so flaky and pink, it looks like she just gave an fugalicious blow job to a severly sunburnt Clay Aiken.

STEAL THE LOOK!!!

Apply a dead baby rat to your lips and rub it in. Don't be afraid to squeeze. Do you feel it working? A burning sensation? You can avoid that by clipping your dead baby rat's claws before applying it to your lips. (That's Fergie's tip!)

Are you going clubbing and your dead baby rat doesn't fit into your Forever 21 bag? No problem! Pay off a men's bathroom attendant to get a urinal cake and suck it. (That's Fergie's tip!)